Tips from Someone with Trauma Deja Vu
The difference in today’s “social distancing” is that for the first time in my experience, it’s not just me or my family, feeling the impact, but rather our whole community, state, really the entire world riding this crazy experience together, and it’s heart-breaking watching people slide into panic-driven responses. I’m worried, too, but I find myself sort of grateful for my past dances with this kind of stress, because I know we’ll get through it and move on with a new normal, even if I’m not sure exactly what that looks like yet.
I don’t actually remember my 14th birthday. A few weeks prior, one of my younger brothers had come down with chickenpox, and like clockwork, it made its way through all six of us, and as the oldest, and the last to catch it, I got the worst of it.
This was before we had vaccines for chickenpox, when parents would take their kids over to expose them as soon as a neighbor or relative had them. In some ways, this was the radical opposite of what we’re doing right now, and while it sounds crazy to modern parents, it was probably a kindness to allow kids to get chicken pox when they were 6 or 7, rather than waiting until they were fourteen. I sure wish I’d had it sooner!
I was incredibly sick. On top of looking like something out of a horror movie, covered in weeping sores inside and out (yes, for real) and weird blotches of pink calamine that did nothing to help the intense itching, I had a high fever and was restricted to bed. I don’t remember much of anything except being super sick, itching like mad, it hurt to swallow, blink, or go to the bathroom, and I was isolated in my room. I was sick enough that my parents were worried that I was at risk for catching whatever else might be going around, and it was cold/flu season, so that was a legitimate concern.
Illness isn’t the only reason people find themselves “social distancing” from other people, though.
When I was 22, we had a daughter who died two weeks before she was due to be born. There was a brief flurry of activity immediately after she was born, but grief is a weird and uncomfortable thing, and people tend to shy away from those who are experiencing it, and when you’re in the throes of that deep place of despair, it sometimes feels safer to crawl into a cave and avoid the awkward, stilted conversation-that-isn’t anyway. “How are you?” “Fine. [LIAR!]” “Lovely weather we’re having”… Righty-o. Social distance in these situations can be a form of emotional buffering, allowing us to avoid having to deal with issues that are painful, or uncomfortable, or unpredictable.
And sometimes, people are unwilling to associate with others who have found themselves in socially unsavoury situations, as if they’ll be judged guilty by association. When my children’s father was arrested and led across the yard in handcuffs by a team of policemen in heavy duty safety gear, the invitations to play-dates and back yard bbq’s dried up instantaneously, and we found ourselves involuntarily isolated, with people literally choosing to walk on the other side of the road on the way to school, turning around in the aisle at the grocery store, and so on. That lasted until we moved to a state where nobody had known us or our story, and we maintained a continued “distance” of sorts by never, ever telling that story to anyone, for years.
(And these are just “the highlights”. We could talk trauma for days.)
As somebody who’s intimately familiar with long-term trauma response, my heart goes out to those who are facing this for the first time. I also know that the general American response to situations like this is, frankly, not healthy. If you (or somebody you know/care about) struggle with the emotional & psychological aspects of experiences like this, congratulations. You’re human! And, there are ways to both minimize the long term impact AND set yourself up for a better short term experience in the meantime.
Do what you can to increase your immediate sense of safety — within reason.
Wash your hands. Practice good “sneeze hygiene”. If you have to go out, wash your hands immediately when you get back. There is a great prevention checklist CDC website. Please, please, please… get your information from a reputable source. (And yes, that means don’t just listen to ME, either… I’m just some chick on the internet, not an infectious disease specialist!). And even more importantly, don’t allow your good, reasonable precautions turn into debilitating compulsion. If you notice that (in yourself or somebody close to you), reach out. Call your doctor, look into tele-therapy, get a friend to talk you off the rail. It’s easier to intervene before those habits become deeply ingrained, and trauma does weird things to our brains, so there’s no reason to be ashamed, it’s recognizing that you might need a little extra support to tease out what’s really helping from what isn’t.
Control what you can
You don’t have to replicate your kids’ day with what they were doing in school, and goodness knows you may need to schedule a few mental health breaks throughout the day and just go stand in the sun for five minutes, but having a routine can really help provide a sense of control over your immediate surroundings. This is supremely helpful when everything around us feels like it’s spiraling wildly. You can even make it cool family bonding time to set up the “Today’s Ta-Das” or something fun. :) (I think “Ta-Da!” is way more fun than “To-Do”!)
Stay Connected
We’re isolated in more ways than ever before, and no, it’s NOT just “those darn millenials and their technology.” America was in an engagement crisis, touch-starvation epidemic and general social dysfunction well before COVID19 came on the scene. Many of my most introverted friends and colleagues privately confess that they’re actually starving for connection, and we extroverts? Well… we’re figuring it out, but it’s not great. There are limits to what we can (smartly) do as far as physical connection right now, but when’s the last time you called your friends just to chat? I love how many social groups (friends, volunteer organizations, support groups, etc.) are using technology to connect (or RE-connect) in new and amazing ways. And, I just got an actual letter from my brother — he hasn’t written me since he was on a submarine in the 90s! How’s THAT for a throw-back experience! :)
Cultivate Calm
Meditation not your thing? Cool. (Although if you’ve only tried the “sit on a cushion and count your breath” type, I strongly encourage you to consider the zillions of other meditation practices out there — there might be one for you!) How about mindfulness practices that help interrupt the cycle of worrying about the past/future and let you focus instead on what’s going on right now?
Also, consider controlling the inputs all around you. If you’re glued to your social media feed or can’t pry your attention away from the seemingly nonstop “breaking news” that’s really just a replay of the same information, and you find that your stress levels are up and your quality of life is down, unplug. Not permanently, but with intention. Only turn on the news at specific times each day — don’t leave it running 24/7. You’ll still hear about the important updates — you’ll just allow yourself time to breathe inbetween.
And arrange your space to allow you just that — space. I know that it’s easier said than done, but there are ways. Families have lived in smaller spaces than most of us are dealing with for millennia, and they didn’t have iPads to distract the kids. Find whatever works for you, to create calm. Maybe you can use the opportunity to declutter your closet (there’s something incredibly cathartic about bagging up those items you KNOW you’re never going to wear again), or even just organize a junk drawer. Just ten minutes spend cleaning or organizing can feel like a breath of fresh air. And speaking of fresh air, have you opened your windows lately? Stepped outside for some sun? Of course follow all local recommendations for safe distance and non-essential travel, but fresh air and any kind of exposure to the outdoors can be incredibly beneficial for your mood and your state of mind.
Most of all be kind, to yourself and those you come in contact with. Everyone’s running on a little less sleep and a little more worry, and a little kindness goes a long, long way.
